I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
