Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
