I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
