who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
