If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
