And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize