It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize