Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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