who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize