exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
