i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
