He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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