Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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