Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
