If that was your dad, he is hot
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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