Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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