I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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