Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
