Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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