She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
