She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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