oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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