It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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