I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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