Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
