the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The air was thick with penises
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize