I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
