i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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