Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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