i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
