My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
