i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
