I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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