as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
