I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
