I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
