Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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