Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
