ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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