One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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