I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
