i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
