I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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