how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
