nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize