I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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