Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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