you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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