apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
