then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
