Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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