She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
