The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
