She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
