how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
