Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize