Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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