First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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