i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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