; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
