Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
